Monday, August 14, 2006
I Love The ER
I've found my calling. This is what I want to do for a living. I love this job. Here are a few of my experiences so far.
I get to stab people. Ya see, there are these things called abscesses. An abscess is a collection of pus, kinda like a small water balloon of nastiness. Sexy, no? They can be found anywhere, and they usually hurt like Hell. If they are indurated (hard), then the treatment is usually a muddafugga gettin' cut. If I wanted to church it up, then I'd call it "incision and drainage." However, I respect you guys too much for that. The truth is that I STAB people. Here's some advice, if you have one and you go to the ER, bring someone to drive you home. If you do, you get percocet beforehand. If not, I tell you to look the other way while I jam a blade into your tender bits and squeeze.
I get to wrestle people. Let's say, hypothetically, you do something foolish, and the police bring you to the ER. While there, you HYPOTHETICALLY act like asshole (screaming, threatening, kicking the door, etc.) Well, eventually, we'll get tired of your shit and fill out some paperwork. It's some of the most wonderful paperwork I've seen. It says that you are a threat to yourself and/or others, and it gives us the right to restrain you . . . forcibly, if necessary (and it's usually necessary). Then, HYPOTHETICALLY, 6 or 7 of my buddies and I will grab you, strap your sorry ass to a bed, and inject you with a large dose of "shut the fuck up". At this point, it is within your power to spit at us. We will then simply cover your face with a mask or bedsheet (which is funnier) and leave you that way.
I get to really help people. Occasionally, bad things happen to people who are just living their lives and not huring anyone. If I'm lucky, I get to help them, and they are stronger, healthier and happier than they were before they saw me. Also, sometimes, not everday, but sometimes, I get to actually help save someone's life. Holy Shit!
I work with some cool people. This is some of the things I get to hear and say.
"They helicoptered this guy here for this. *pause* When we waste resources, we waste THE SHIT out of resources."
"I think I got tricked into looking at this guy's anus."
"What do you mean he's in 5-point restraints? He has no legs. He can only be in 3-point restraints."
"She lied to us. Let's send her home."
"You should thank me. I treated him and streeted him."
"Who thinks this guy was shot more than once?"
"If you see him on the street, run him over."
I love this job.
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I get to stab people. Ya see, there are these things called abscesses. An abscess is a collection of pus, kinda like a small water balloon of nastiness. Sexy, no? They can be found anywhere, and they usually hurt like Hell. If they are indurated (hard), then the treatment is usually a muddafugga gettin' cut. If I wanted to church it up, then I'd call it "incision and drainage." However, I respect you guys too much for that. The truth is that I STAB people. Here's some advice, if you have one and you go to the ER, bring someone to drive you home. If you do, you get percocet beforehand. If not, I tell you to look the other way while I jam a blade into your tender bits and squeeze.
I get to wrestle people. Let's say, hypothetically, you do something foolish, and the police bring you to the ER. While there, you HYPOTHETICALLY act like asshole (screaming, threatening, kicking the door, etc.) Well, eventually, we'll get tired of your shit and fill out some paperwork. It's some of the most wonderful paperwork I've seen. It says that you are a threat to yourself and/or others, and it gives us the right to restrain you . . . forcibly, if necessary (and it's usually necessary). Then, HYPOTHETICALLY, 6 or 7 of my buddies and I will grab you, strap your sorry ass to a bed, and inject you with a large dose of "shut the fuck up". At this point, it is within your power to spit at us. We will then simply cover your face with a mask or bedsheet (which is funnier) and leave you that way.
I get to really help people. Occasionally, bad things happen to people who are just living their lives and not huring anyone. If I'm lucky, I get to help them, and they are stronger, healthier and happier than they were before they saw me. Also, sometimes, not everday, but sometimes, I get to actually help save someone's life. Holy Shit!
I work with some cool people. This is some of the things I get to hear and say.
"They helicoptered this guy here for this. *pause* When we waste resources, we waste THE SHIT out of resources."
"I think I got tricked into looking at this guy's anus."
"What do you mean he's in 5-point restraints? He has no legs. He can only be in 3-point restraints."
"She lied to us. Let's send her home."
"You should thank me. I treated him and streeted him."
"Who thinks this guy was shot more than once?"
"If you see him on the street, run him over."
I love this job.
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